New-Age Rebound Table Tennis Balls "Tamper-Proof" - Elksteine

In the wake of the crisis enveloping the Australian Cricket Team, Bernard Elksteine has released a statement claiming that the unique, high-tensile Rebound Table Tennis balls being developed for his new competition, will be "entirely tamper-proof".


The statement claims "The graphite resin-coated balls have been tested at upwards of 200km/h, at an impact force of over 200 Newton Kilotonnes per square millimetre".


"More importantly, the balls will be resistant to the ball tampering rife in all levels of Table Tennis, from garage flat-table play to fully professional Rebound Table Tennis...  Common methods such as discretely pushing a dimple into the ball prior to service will be impossible for the human hand".


The statement goes on to note the balls will be tracked by localised radar and lidar, making it impossible for players to substitute the ball for one in a lesser condition.  Elksteine claims the new technology can track a ball all the way into a player's underwear. 


It was noted the other common technique of spitting on the ball would have less impact due to the precise machine grinding of the balls making 99% of liquid slide right off.  This was also noted to be beneficial to home amateur play as when the family dog takes off with the ball, it will be less likely to be crushed and less covered in slobber on retrieval.


Elksteine added to the end of the statement, "We're proud to be pushing the sport to the next level.  Too many of these problems have just been overlooked for so long.  You can't break my balls.  I hope everyone embraces them going forward".


The statement adds to speculation about the nature of the high-power game Elksteine appears to be developing behind closed doors at Milson's Point, where all of the equipment seized in the raid two weeks ago has been released following a court order that the raid was illegal.