Bernard Elksteine’s push to revive his ruined empire in 2018 appears to have failed.
Disgruntled investors claim the latest ARTTSL promotional video is nothing but “Old action shots interspliced with images of Rebound Table Tennis crowd violence”. Investors demanded to know today why the heavily spruiked new national competition has not begun, and why Elksteine has seemingly disappeared again.
The promotional video realeased today does appear to bear out this assessment, according to a Milsons Point Local Court Judge, who upheld a warrant to search Elksteine’s suddenly quiet premises, the site of frenetic investment and table tennis activity earlier this year.
Watch the video for yourself. More to come.
https://youtu.be/ILNHz6i4cjQ
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Elksteine legally alive, resumes control of ARTTSL, fires CEO
Bernard Elksteine has staged a dramatic re-take-over of his beloved ARSSTL entity after being declared alive (after all) by the Department of Births, Deaths & Marriages.
Elksteine has moved to freeze out former wife Patricia, who has remarried in the time Bernard was “dead”. The matter is subject to court challenge, however sources say Elksteine foresaw his former wife’s unpredictability and tricked her in 2009 into signing documents making him the primary owner of ARTTSL whilever he lives.
In further steps to sure up his control, Elksteine formally moved ARTTSL HQ to his Milsons Point “Industrial Dojang”, and fired CEO Wilkington Tuffy over the phone, offering 32 weeks’ pay in return for demanding his ARTTSL gmail password.
Unofficial sources suggest Elksteine is still chasing former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd as a successor to Tuffy, seeing Rudd’s tear-through tenacity as just what he needs to fulfill his prophecy of Rebound Table Tennis dominance on the Australasian sporting landscape.
More to come....
Elksteine has moved to freeze out former wife Patricia, who has remarried in the time Bernard was “dead”. The matter is subject to court challenge, however sources say Elksteine foresaw his former wife’s unpredictability and tricked her in 2009 into signing documents making him the primary owner of ARTTSL whilever he lives.
In further steps to sure up his control, Elksteine formally moved ARTTSL HQ to his Milsons Point “Industrial Dojang”, and fired CEO Wilkington Tuffy over the phone, offering 32 weeks’ pay in return for demanding his ARTTSL gmail password.
Unofficial sources suggest Elksteine is still chasing former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd as a successor to Tuffy, seeing Rudd’s tear-through tenacity as just what he needs to fulfill his prophecy of Rebound Table Tennis dominance on the Australasian sporting landscape.
More to come....
Friday, March 30, 2018
Disgraced Steve Smith Defects to Rebound Table Tennis
Bernard Elksteine has pulled off the biggest sporting coup since Jarryd Hayne took on the NFL, signing former Australian Cricket Captain Steve Smith on a lucrative 12 month contract for his new Rebound Table Tennis venture.
The deal was reportedly done by phone as Smith flew back to Australia from South Africa. Details such as which city or club Smith would play in were left open to determination as the competition quickly evolves.
Asked if he was concerned about the impact of Smith on sponsors, Elksteine replied "My competition thrives on that sort of stuff. People expect it. And we give people a chance at redemption. I had to fake my own death yet here I am".
The deal was reportedly done by phone as Smith flew back to Australia from South Africa. Details such as which city or club Smith would play in were left open to determination as the competition quickly evolves.
The shock move was quickly justified by Elksteine, who noted Smith was one of the greatest exponents of bat and ball. “His unique skill with a bat - second on only to Don Bradman - quick footwork, and feel for spin through his leggie bowling action, I expect he’ll adapt quickly. It’s better for him than sitting at the pub for a year while he's banned from cricket”.
On arrival at Sydney Airport, Smith fronted the media, shedding tears of relief at the lifeline offered by Elksteine, who offered a supportive hand on Smith’s shoulder. It was Elksteine's first official appearance on television in 8 years, although he kept his face out of the shot.
A tearful Smith expressed his relief, saying “I won’t let anyone down again. I’ll work hard in a year of Rebound Table Tennis. I want kids to learn you don't have to wait around and put up with crap when you've made a mess. Get out and move on. This is a good lesson to others then I hope I can be a force to change”.
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
New-Age Rebound Table Tennis Balls "Tamper-Proof" - Elksteine
In the wake of the crisis enveloping the Australian Cricket Team, Bernard Elksteine has released a statement claiming that the unique, high-tensile Rebound Table Tennis balls being developed for his new competition, will be "entirely tamper-proof".
The statement claims "The graphite resin-coated balls have been tested at upwards of 200km/h, at an impact force of over 200 Newton Kilotonnes per square millimetre".
"More importantly, the balls will be resistant to the ball tampering rife in all levels of Table Tennis, from garage flat-table play to fully professional Rebound Table Tennis... Common methods such as discretely pushing a dimple into the ball prior to service will be impossible for the human hand".
The statement goes on to note the balls will be tracked by localised radar and lidar, making it impossible for players to substitute the ball for one in a lesser condition. Elksteine claims the new technology can track a ball all the way into a player's underwear.
It was noted the other common technique of spitting on the ball would have less impact due to the precise machine grinding of the balls making 99% of liquid slide right off. This was also noted to be beneficial to home amateur play as when the family dog takes off with the ball, it will be less likely to be crushed and less covered in slobber on retrieval.
Elksteine added to the end of the statement, "We're proud to be pushing the sport to the next level. Too many of these problems have just been overlooked for so long. You can't break my balls. I hope everyone embraces them going forward".
The statement adds to speculation about the nature of the high-power game Elksteine appears to be developing behind closed doors at Milson's Point, where all of the equipment seized in the raid two weeks ago has been released following a court order that the raid was illegal.
The statement claims "The graphite resin-coated balls have been tested at upwards of 200km/h, at an impact force of over 200 Newton Kilotonnes per square millimetre".
"More importantly, the balls will be resistant to the ball tampering rife in all levels of Table Tennis, from garage flat-table play to fully professional Rebound Table Tennis... Common methods such as discretely pushing a dimple into the ball prior to service will be impossible for the human hand".
The statement goes on to note the balls will be tracked by localised radar and lidar, making it impossible for players to substitute the ball for one in a lesser condition. Elksteine claims the new technology can track a ball all the way into a player's underwear.
It was noted the other common technique of spitting on the ball would have less impact due to the precise machine grinding of the balls making 99% of liquid slide right off. This was also noted to be beneficial to home amateur play as when the family dog takes off with the ball, it will be less likely to be crushed and less covered in slobber on retrieval.
Elksteine added to the end of the statement, "We're proud to be pushing the sport to the next level. Too many of these problems have just been overlooked for so long. You can't break my balls. I hope everyone embraces them going forward".
The statement adds to speculation about the nature of the high-power game Elksteine appears to be developing behind closed doors at Milson's Point, where all of the equipment seized in the raid two weeks ago has been released following a court order that the raid was illegal.
Elksteine’s promo song leaked by U2 bassist
Bernard Elksteine continues to apparently build plans for a new Rebound Table Tennis League, having penned a new song - Volcano - and teaming up with Irish rockers U2 to record it.
The track however has been leaked online “accidentally” by U2 bassist, Adam Clayton. Clayton claimed he uploaded it to his private YouTube account to share with his daughter to “Show her how much Daddy has improved”. Listen to the full track at the link below.
The unusually Clayton-heavy track is believed to reflect the energetic nature of Elksteine’s new tournament, driven by high caliber table tennis equipment seized at a recent Milson’s Point raid.
Director and Rebound Table Tennis fan “The Big” Peter Jackson has analysed the song and noted a number of apparent references to Elksteine’s ex-wife Patricia’s new husband, Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam. Known to have an explosive temper, Elksteine often referred to the younger Angus as just a “tourist” in Maroochydore, the cradle of modern Rebound Table Tennis, hence lines like “Do you live here or is this a vacation” and “Something in you wants to blow”.
Jackson exclaimed “Blow... Blowingpam. All the anger of 7 years in exile is in there. The whole song’s a dig at his wife’s new fella”.
U2 lead singer Bono simply commented, “Adam’s fired... again”.
Asked why he chose to work with U2, Elksteine noted that Tina Turner wasn’t available. He also noted Clayton was a big fan of Rebound Table Tennis and was keen to see the sport grow in his homeland. “The Irish love bouncing anything off walls, especially over a Guinness”, Clayton commented from his local pub.
https://youtu.be/2LRKlw12GF4
The track however has been leaked online “accidentally” by U2 bassist, Adam Clayton. Clayton claimed he uploaded it to his private YouTube account to share with his daughter to “Show her how much Daddy has improved”. Listen to the full track at the link below.
The unusually Clayton-heavy track is believed to reflect the energetic nature of Elksteine’s new tournament, driven by high caliber table tennis equipment seized at a recent Milson’s Point raid.
Director and Rebound Table Tennis fan “The Big” Peter Jackson has analysed the song and noted a number of apparent references to Elksteine’s ex-wife Patricia’s new husband, Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam. Known to have an explosive temper, Elksteine often referred to the younger Angus as just a “tourist” in Maroochydore, the cradle of modern Rebound Table Tennis, hence lines like “Do you live here or is this a vacation” and “Something in you wants to blow”.
Jackson exclaimed “Blow... Blowingpam. All the anger of 7 years in exile is in there. The whole song’s a dig at his wife’s new fella”.
U2 lead singer Bono simply commented, “Adam’s fired... again”.
Asked why he chose to work with U2, Elksteine noted that Tina Turner wasn’t available. He also noted Clayton was a big fan of Rebound Table Tennis and was keen to see the sport grow in his homeland. “The Irish love bouncing anything off walls, especially over a Guinness”, Clayton commented from his local pub.
https://youtu.be/2LRKlw12GF4
Sunday, March 11, 2018
“You can’t arrest a dead man”. Elksteine released by court order
Bernard Elksteine has been released from custody, just 36 hours after being arrested Friday night in a raid on an alleged illegal Rebound Table Tennis dojang.
Elksteine’s legal team successfully argued that as he is legally recorded as dead, he cannot be identified, a key step in registering a temporary prisoner. The Judge stated she had no choice but to release the prisoner immediately.
It has also transpired that while he was under arrest during Saturday, a bidder secured purchase of a Kirrillli apartment for Elksteine to return to upon release. The entrepreneur was able to effect the deal through an offshore company in an undisclosed country, where he is legally alive.
There are reports socialite Esmeralda Chocolatine was seen inspecting the apartment prior to auction, though these remain unsubstantiated.
More to come.
Elksteine’s legal team successfully argued that as he is legally recorded as dead, he cannot be identified, a key step in registering a temporary prisoner. The Judge stated she had no choice but to release the prisoner immediately.
It has also transpired that while he was under arrest during Saturday, a bidder secured purchase of a Kirrillli apartment for Elksteine to return to upon release. The entrepreneur was able to effect the deal through an offshore company in an undisclosed country, where he is legally alive.
There are reports socialite Esmeralda Chocolatine was seen inspecting the apartment prior to auction, though these remain unsubstantiated.
More to come.
Friday, March 9, 2018
'Bernard Elksteine' Arrested At Milsons Point
The man alleged to be the living Bernard Elksteine has been arrested in a dramatic raid by the Police and the Tax Office at Milsons Point.
Mounting credible allegations that Elksteine is alive and setting up operations at the upper end of the Harbour Bridge finally sparked officers into action early Friday evening.
A raid of the abandoned Government office under the bridge revealed an alleged industrial scale Rebound Table Tennis operation.
The alleged Elksteine was arrested on suspicion of violating North Sydney Council regulations relating to Rebound Table Tennis dojangs, as well as related charges in possessing bats that are classified as a weapon, and striking metallic Table Tennis tables that had sharp, poorly finished edges, despite being striking in appearance.
Several individuals, described as shady characters, thugs, retired professional Rebound Table Tennis players, and Film Director turned former South New Zealand owner and mascot "The Big" Peter Jackson, were allowed to leave the scene after Police took their details. They may be recalled for questioning in relation to a potential charge of Aiding an Illegal Rebound Table Tennis Dojang.
One of the men, who agreed to be interviewed, stated the charges were encroaching upon their civil liberties, saying that they were working on a start-up business and needed all the Table Tennis gear to "stay chilled during 19 hour work days".
The man claimed they were playing full table Table Tennis, not Rebound Table Tennis, the latter having been associated with questionable social activity. However, Police said the 'Rebound' technicality was to be investigated in more detail, including forensic inspection of the seized tables to see if they have been kept in the flat or half-upright position. When pressed on the nature of the startup business, the man said "Not sure, we just kept playing table tennis".
Mounting credible allegations that Elksteine is alive and setting up operations at the upper end of the Harbour Bridge finally sparked officers into action early Friday evening.
A raid of the abandoned Government office under the bridge revealed an alleged industrial scale Rebound Table Tennis operation.
 |
| Seized tables are loaded onto a truck |
Police seized scores of industrial Table Tennis tables, and various caches of high power Table Tennis bats, some capable of returning a ball at up to 200km/h. Several thousand reinforced Table Tennis balls were also seized, some clearly mangled by high force activity.
The alleged Elksteine was arrested on suspicion of violating North Sydney Council regulations relating to Rebound Table Tennis dojangs, as well as related charges in possessing bats that are classified as a weapon, and striking metallic Table Tennis tables that had sharp, poorly finished edges, despite being striking in appearance.
 |
| Elksteine's famed golden bats |
Tax Officials also seized several items on the basis of Elksteine's large tax debt owing in Australia, including four golden Table Tennis bats, and a ball of steel, all resembling a gift given to the former Rebound Table Tennis supremo from socialite Esmerelda Chocolatine in 2009, as a favour for "being a remarkable man", driving the short-lived success of the Australasian Rebound Table Tennis Super League (ARTTSL).
Several individuals, described as shady characters, thugs, retired professional Rebound Table Tennis players, and Film Director turned former South New Zealand owner and mascot "The Big" Peter Jackson, were allowed to leave the scene after Police took their details. They may be recalled for questioning in relation to a potential charge of Aiding an Illegal Rebound Table Tennis Dojang.
 |
| A similar table to those seized. Reboundability subject to testing. |
One of the men, who agreed to be interviewed, stated the charges were encroaching upon their civil liberties, saying that they were working on a start-up business and needed all the Table Tennis gear to "stay chilled during 19 hour work days".
The man claimed they were playing full table Table Tennis, not Rebound Table Tennis, the latter having been associated with questionable social activity. However, Police said the 'Rebound' technicality was to be investigated in more detail, including forensic inspection of the seized tables to see if they have been kept in the flat or half-upright position. When pressed on the nature of the startup business, the man said "Not sure, we just kept playing table tennis".
 |
| High calibre table tennis bats, able to hit a ball at up to 200km/h, are restricted in most western countries. |
A spokeswoman for ARTTSL CEO Wilkington Tuffy said the raid produced clear evidence that Elksteine, as Tuffy earlier stated he'd feared, was preparing to launch a new form of Rebound Table Tennis, seemingly of the high power, high physical contact variety made infamous in parts of South America and west Africa. It is possible Elksteine has been researching these more extreme forms of the game during his long hiatus.
 |
| Some of thousands of resin-reinforced Table Tennis balls seized. |
Thousands of documents were also seized by Tax Officials in the raid.
Tuffy Softens on the Bern
ARTTSL CEO Wilkington Tuffy has gone public, extending an olive branch to Bernard Elksteine, amid mounting evidence that he is alive and plotting his comeback in Sydney.
Tuffy currently administers a competition that has been in mothballs for 7 years. “It’s a part time job at the moment. The offices, the dojangs, the equipment, we’ve had to let it all go or put it in storage. It’s a sad state of affairs”.
Asked how this came about, Tuffy laid blame squarely at the feet of ‘widow’ Patricia Elksteine, who he says “doesn’t care much for ‘the ping and the pong’”, as he says she calls it. “She’s more interested in socialising and cooking Bernie’s fortune. Half my job is selling assets to pay her more dividends that she blows in Paris”.
Asked what he’d like to say to Bernard Elksteine if he was out there listening, Tuffy was emphatic,
“Call me Bernie. No need to explain anything. We can do great things again. Bring the sport back from the dead while we can”.
Tuffy expressed concerns for Elksteine’s mental well-being and fears his fierce competitiveness will drive him to generate more unnecessary fragmentation of competition in the sport.
Tuffy currently administers a competition that has been in mothballs for 7 years. “It’s a part time job at the moment. The offices, the dojangs, the equipment, we’ve had to let it all go or put it in storage. It’s a sad state of affairs”.
Asked how this came about, Tuffy laid blame squarely at the feet of ‘widow’ Patricia Elksteine, who he says “doesn’t care much for ‘the ping and the pong’”, as he says she calls it. “She’s more interested in socialising and cooking Bernie’s fortune. Half my job is selling assets to pay her more dividends that she blows in Paris”.
Asked what he’d like to say to Bernard Elksteine if he was out there listening, Tuffy was emphatic,
“Call me Bernie. No need to explain anything. We can do great things again. Bring the sport back from the dead while we can”.
Tuffy expressed concerns for Elksteine’s mental well-being and fears his fierce competitiveness will drive him to generate more unnecessary fragmentation of competition in the sport.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Elksteine Sydney Sightings Not So Flaky
Rumours that former Rebound Table Tennis Supremo Bernard Elksteine is alive are intensifying after a "cluster of unconnected sightings" in the Milson's Point area of Sydney.
Multiple individuals, including a cyclist, a public servant from a nearby office, and a homeless Elvis Presley impersonator, have reported seeing a man of Elksteine's description meeting a variety of individuals in the exclusive Flaky Tart Bakery in Milson's Point.
All witnesses have similarly describe an aged, though much trimmer and healthier Elksteine, accompanied by individuals who appear to make some effort to be discrete - in many cases exiting and boarding a taxi, which lingers outside while ever they are in attendance.
Some have further claimed that Elksteine himself walks frequently up and down Ennis Road, between The Flaky Tart and an apparently derelict ex-Government office built under the road platform north of the Harbour Bridge pylon. He has also been reportedly seen jogging across the Harbour Bridge, in one case allegedly shoulder-barging anyone who asked if he was Elksteine.
Local dog walking enthusiast Harold Ball claims he saw a shipment of table tennis tables being delivered to the site one evening, suggesting Elksteine is building a dojang in the building. This prompted North Sydney Council to caution in a published statement that area is not zoned to permit Table Tennis dojangs, due to their past tendency to attract criminals and "generally aggressive individuals".
Mr Ball went on to say, "I suppose he wants to bring the sport to Sydney and try to get back on top. Maroochydore was too remote. But I don't know why he's just walking around here, unless he wants to be found".
Having reportedly died almost 8 years ago in his Maroochydore home - which led to an outpouring of grief and chicken - many have never let go of the notion that Elksteine's death, reportedly of a heart attack, was too coincidental with a need to escape the media heat following the near-collapse of his Australasian Rebound Table Tennis Super League (ARTTSL).
Rumours reached fevour pitch after it was revealed the body in Elksteine's grave was not Elksteine (and not Elvis).
Elksteine's ARTTSL competition remains solvent under the leadership of CEO Wilkington Tuffy, and ownership of Elksteine widow Patricia, along with her flamboyant partner, Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam. While competition has been suspended since Newcastle won its second Premiership in 2011, Elksteine left a lasting legacy of sport and innuendo unrivalled by any modern franchise, the most recent episode being the dramatic 2017 kidnapping of Bernie Ecclestone, mistaken for Elksteine, by Tara Brown.
Fans are now asking, is Bernard Elksteine finally back?
More to come...
Multiple individuals, including a cyclist, a public servant from a nearby office, and a homeless Elvis Presley impersonator, have reported seeing a man of Elksteine's description meeting a variety of individuals in the exclusive Flaky Tart Bakery in Milson's Point.
All witnesses have similarly describe an aged, though much trimmer and healthier Elksteine, accompanied by individuals who appear to make some effort to be discrete - in many cases exiting and boarding a taxi, which lingers outside while ever they are in attendance.
Some have further claimed that Elksteine himself walks frequently up and down Ennis Road, between The Flaky Tart and an apparently derelict ex-Government office built under the road platform north of the Harbour Bridge pylon. He has also been reportedly seen jogging across the Harbour Bridge, in one case allegedly shoulder-barging anyone who asked if he was Elksteine.
Local dog walking enthusiast Harold Ball claims he saw a shipment of table tennis tables being delivered to the site one evening, suggesting Elksteine is building a dojang in the building. This prompted North Sydney Council to caution in a published statement that area is not zoned to permit Table Tennis dojangs, due to their past tendency to attract criminals and "generally aggressive individuals".
Mr Ball went on to say, "I suppose he wants to bring the sport to Sydney and try to get back on top. Maroochydore was too remote. But I don't know why he's just walking around here, unless he wants to be found".
Having reportedly died almost 8 years ago in his Maroochydore home - which led to an outpouring of grief and chicken - many have never let go of the notion that Elksteine's death, reportedly of a heart attack, was too coincidental with a need to escape the media heat following the near-collapse of his Australasian Rebound Table Tennis Super League (ARTTSL).
Rumours reached fevour pitch after it was revealed the body in Elksteine's grave was not Elksteine (and not Elvis).
Elksteine's ARTTSL competition remains solvent under the leadership of CEO Wilkington Tuffy, and ownership of Elksteine widow Patricia, along with her flamboyant partner, Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam. While competition has been suspended since Newcastle won its second Premiership in 2011, Elksteine left a lasting legacy of sport and innuendo unrivalled by any modern franchise, the most recent episode being the dramatic 2017 kidnapping of Bernie Ecclestone, mistaken for Elksteine, by Tara Brown.
Fans are now asking, is Bernard Elksteine finally back?
More to come...
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Elksteine Kidnap False Alarm: Brown Feels the Wrong Bern
The reported kidnapping of Bernard Elksteine has proven to be a case of mistaken identity.
Having claimed to have tracked and captured the elusive Bernard Elksteine, wanted in Australia for over $64 million in bad debts and unpaid taxes stemming from his failed Rebound Table Tennis initiatives, and accusations of having faked his own death, Tara Brown has been left red-faced again after it was revealed she had in fact kidnapped former Formula 1 Supremo, Bernie Ecclestone.
Holidaying in Brazil during the Formula 1 summer break, the still-connected Ecclestone was out for a brisk stroll in downtown Rio when the 60 Minutes crew struck. Bagged and dragged into a van, the 85-year-old was hauled away and smuggled onto a Melbourne-bound plane.
Arrested at Tullimarine Airport upon arrival, Tara Brown was interviewed by Police and released on bail, partly on the basis that it appeared she genuinely didn't know the difference between Bernie Ecclestone and Bernard Elksteine.
Brown admitted to "not being much of a sports fan" and that she was more interested in "Bringing some bastard to justice", after her past kidnapping-for-charity efforts had backfired.
Bernie Ecclestone was taken to South Yarra Hospital for a check up and was later released. Declining to press charges, Ecclestone told the gathered media, "It's not the first time I've been grabbed by a lady that way. I'm retired nowadays, so I've got time for these things".
Ecclestone noted he would take the opportunity to spend some time in Melbourne, the first he would spend outside the period of an Australian Grand Prix. He pledged to visit Albert Park to see what it looked like as a park, and hadn't ruled out Tara Brown's invitation to dinner, though he noted he would take his personal security staff along once they and his baggage had arrived from Rio on his private jet.
Bernard Elksteine remains officially listed as deceased with the Australian Department of Births, Deaths and Marriages, despite the 2015 revelation that the body buried in his supposed grave was scientifically proven not to be that of the rebounding entrepreneur.
Whether this latest incident is pure coincidence, or may have been instigated by a genuine lead towards a living Elksteine, only time will tell. The mystery remains unsolved six years after Bernard Elksteine was reported dead.
Having claimed to have tracked and captured the elusive Bernard Elksteine, wanted in Australia for over $64 million in bad debts and unpaid taxes stemming from his failed Rebound Table Tennis initiatives, and accusations of having faked his own death, Tara Brown has been left red-faced again after it was revealed she had in fact kidnapped former Formula 1 Supremo, Bernie Ecclestone.
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| Kidnapped: Bernie Ecclestone |
Arrested at Tullimarine Airport upon arrival, Tara Brown was interviewed by Police and released on bail, partly on the basis that it appeared she genuinely didn't know the difference between Bernie Ecclestone and Bernard Elksteine.
Brown admitted to "not being much of a sports fan" and that she was more interested in "Bringing some bastard to justice", after her past kidnapping-for-charity efforts had backfired.
Bernie Ecclestone was taken to South Yarra Hospital for a check up and was later released. Declining to press charges, Ecclestone told the gathered media, "It's not the first time I've been grabbed by a lady that way. I'm retired nowadays, so I've got time for these things".
Ecclestone noted he would take the opportunity to spend some time in Melbourne, the first he would spend outside the period of an Australian Grand Prix. He pledged to visit Albert Park to see what it looked like as a park, and hadn't ruled out Tara Brown's invitation to dinner, though he noted he would take his personal security staff along once they and his baggage had arrived from Rio on his private jet.
Bernard Elksteine remains officially listed as deceased with the Australian Department of Births, Deaths and Marriages, despite the 2015 revelation that the body buried in his supposed grave was scientifically proven not to be that of the rebounding entrepreneur.
Whether this latest incident is pure coincidence, or may have been instigated by a genuine lead towards a living Elksteine, only time will tell. The mystery remains unsolved six years after Bernard Elksteine was reported dead.
Breaking: Elksteine Kidnapped by Tara Brown, enroute to Melbourne
"I wasn't gonna let this arsehole get away" - Brown on Elksteine kidnapping in Brazil.
... More to come.
... More to come.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Angus's Temper No Featherlite
Video has also surfaced of a young Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam showing a characteristic brain snap.
Filmed in 1998 at the NSW Full Table Tennis Championships, the video may have been leaked to show that the former soldier's recent angry outbursts have not been driven by media attention, as ARTTSL's communiques have claimed.
The leak could be traced back to Elksteine niece, Harmony, who may be seeking to shed negative light on Patricia Elksteine ahead of an attempt to wrest back her inheritance.
Elksteine Niece Continues Flipout in Texas
Harmony Elksteine has been filmed ranting at a book store clerk in Austin, Texas, days after her arrest for attacking a drive through attendant at a nearby McDonald's.
The niece of Rebound Table Tennis supremo, Bernard Elksteine, was not re-arrested, however the evidenced may affect her trial for the former offence, for which she is to appear in court in August.
Ms Elksteine was once the darling of the Rebound Table Tennis circuit, and was expected to inherit the empire from her childless "Uncle Bernie", prior to his marriage to Patricia Elksteine.
The niece of Rebound Table Tennis supremo, Bernard Elksteine, was not re-arrested, however the evidenced may affect her trial for the former offence, for which she is to appear in court in August.
Ms Elksteine was once the darling of the Rebound Table Tennis circuit, and was expected to inherit the empire from her childless "Uncle Bernie", prior to his marriage to Patricia Elksteine.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Elksteine Niece's McFlipout in Texas
The niece of Bernard Elksteine, rumoured to be off the rails and on the chicken, has been arrested in Austin, Texas.
The arrest ralates to the video linked below showing Harmony Elksteine attacking a McDonald's drive through operator after being refused nuggets based on the time of day.
Ms Elksteine was close to her Uncle, hence the screams "Do you know who I am?!", and was shocked to have been excluded from his will at the time of his now-disputed death.
The arrest ralates to the video linked below showing Harmony Elksteine attacking a McDonald's drive through operator after being refused nuggets based on the time of day.
Ms Elksteine was close to her Uncle, hence the screams "Do you know who I am?!", and was shocked to have been excluded from his will at the time of his now-disputed death.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Player Revolt in Wake of Elksteine Revelations
The 2015 ARTTSL Championship is in tatters after player walked off the table en-masse yesterday.
The revolt relates to revelations that Bernard Elksteine is indeed alive, with ARTTSL Management chasing him to return to the fold.
Rebound Sports Union Secretary Sam Williams (pictured) led the walkout. "We don't trust Bernard Elksteine. Last time he was in charge things were all over the place, we were being relegated and merged and no one knew if they were coming or Illawarra.
"I believe that's why he was killed wasn't he?"
The final comment is now the subject of a separate police investigation.
The revolt relates to revelations that Bernard Elksteine is indeed alive, with ARTTSL Management chasing him to return to the fold.Rebound Sports Union Secretary Sam Williams (pictured) led the walkout. "We don't trust Bernard Elksteine. Last time he was in charge things were all over the place, we were being relegated and merged and no one knew if they were coming or Illawarra.
"I believe that's why he was killed wasn't he?"
The final comment is now the subject of a separate police investigation.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Rudd Hits Out in Perth
Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has been photographed in the famous Jimmy Spring Dojo playing a friendly game of Rebound Table Tennis.
The game yesterday with ARTTSL Director or Facilities, Wharlon Michaels. further fuels speculation that Rudd may be in line for the top job, parallel to rumours that Bernard Elksteine is still alive.
When questioned later, Rudd simply said, "I don't mind a hit of table tennis. It doesn't mean anything".
The game yesterday with ARTTSL Director or Facilities, Wharlon Michaels. further fuels speculation that Rudd may be in line for the top job, parallel to rumours that Bernard Elksteine is still alive.When questioned later, Rudd simply said, "I don't mind a hit of table tennis. It doesn't mean anything".
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Body Not Elvis, Not Elksteine
The body in the grave of Bernard Elksteine is not that of the former Rebound Table Tennis supremo.
Autopsy Specialist Dr Matthew Lookoverglasses (pictured) confirmed his findings in a brief interview outside Maroochydore hospital. "That body is no more Bernard Elksteine than it is Elvis Presley. Bernard, was never in the building".
The exhumation and autopsy were undertaken under court order following a submission by the Australasian Rebound Table Tennis Super League (ARTTSL) to the Coroner. ARTTSL reportedly presented "overwhelming evidence" that Elksteine faked his death five years ago, as long speculated by many.
The precise evidence presented by ARTTSL has not been disclosed, but it is believed to relate to an "exponentially increasing" number of claimed sightings of Elksteine in Morocco.
ARTTSL are believed to have enlisted private investigators, who tracked the subject to a chicken farm outside Rabat.
Tensions between ARTTSL management and its owners - Elksteine widow Patricia, along with her flamboyant partner, Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam - have reached boiling point. ARTTSL Director Wilkington Tuffy is reportedly strategising to annul Patricia's inheritance, then convince Bernard to return to Australia and return Rebound Table Tennis to its former glory.
Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has denied he has also been approached by Tuffy as an alternative supremo should Elksteine prove to be dead or unwilling.
More to come.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Elksteine Widow Back in the Chicken
The widow of late Rebound Table Tennis supremo, Bernard
Elksteine, is "Back in business", in more ways than one.
Following the initial hysteria and heady days following her
husband's shock death in 2010, the truth and cause of which remain a source of
speculation to this day, Patricia Elksteine has been living a mostly quietly
life with new partner, Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam. Mrs Elksteine has been content to leave the
day-to-day running of her inherited Rebound Table Tennis Empire in the capable hands of respected
President Wilkington Tuffy. The couple is
said to have spent most of the past twelve months in the south of France doing
almost nothing.
An anonymous associate of Mrs Elksteine described the
millionaire widow as "refreshed and reinvigorated" and "ready
for the next phase of her life". Featherlite-Blowingpam
was described as "faithful and devoted, albeit occasionally volatile if
provoked, particularly when in bars or in the presence of the media".
Mrs Elksteine is rumoured to be back in the country and
taking a keen interest in the final stages of store fit-out, in a well-hidden
commercial building, in which she intends to launch the world’s first Bernie's
Chicken House in downtown Maroochydore.
Serving southern-style deep-fried chicken based on a
patented recipe developed by an unidentified celebrity army General, the store
is the brain-child of the late Bernard Elksteine, whose love of Rebound Table
Tennis was second only to his love of fried chicken. Elksteine is said to have been working on the
finishing touches to his plans to establish his chain of Bernie’s Chicken
House’s at the time of his shock death in his home study. It would seem Mrs Elksteine has dusted, and
perhaps wiped Bernard’s last desperate spittles of saliva, off these plans.
Meanwhile it is rumoured Mrs Elksteine has signed up
long-time associate and family friend, Esmerelda Chocolatine, to be the face
and voice of the fledgling Bernie’s Chicken House chain. When asked for comment, Chocolatine simply
replied that she was "Ssorry, but I am just a singer. I don’t think much about chicken ".
The business is also touted as a natural new feature sponsor
of the Australasian Rebound Table Tennis Super League (ARTTSL). With
Chocolatine also in its corner, ARTTSL would be well placed to break the sport-music-chicken
marketing stranglehold achieved this summer by the tripartite of Cricket Australia , KFC
and Joel Madden.
In life, Bernard Elksteine made no secret of his desire to
strike a sponsorship deal with his favourite fast food outlet, but to no avail.
It was often suggested this was due to
KFC's desire to avoid being associated with obese persons. KFC management simply never returned calls,
or those of the media.
Hence Elksteine's "plan B" emerged, to build his
own corporate sponsor from the ground up, and eat their chicken. The move was fitting of Elksteine’s tenacity
and occasional insanity that often drove him to look at what already existed
and start something mostly the same, but unlike his runaway success in national
sports competition facilitation, in the world of fried chicken he never had the
chance to taste his own grease.
Relatives of Bernard Elksteine, still jilted by what they maintain
to be a misinterpretation of his last will and testament, under which all of
his empire was handed to Mrs Elksteine, are unsurprisingly less than inspired.
Outside her Bundaberg home this morning, Bernard Elksteine's
step-sister, Shilga Hesma, told Radio 7, "Patsy didn’t love Bernie. She was always in it for the money, and the
bloody chicken. Well, now she's got both hasn't she? She got all the money, and
the rights to Bernie's chicken, and now she's ringing its neck for all it's worth".
Asked what she would be having for dinner that night, Hesma
replied sternly in her strong German accent, "Well I am certainly not thinking
of the chicken. I will be having brussel
sprouts tonight".
In other sports news, 84-year-old Rebound Table Tennis
legend Jimmy Spring
More to come...
Sunday, October 2, 2011
ARTTSL Hall of Fame
Newcastle are going to need a new trophy cabinet....
Note: No Second Division competition in 2010 or 2011, no Pre-Season Trophy in 2011.
Note: No Second Division competition in 2010 or 2011, no Pre-Season Trophy in 2011.
Newcastle Win Second Consecutive ARTTSL Premiership
Newcastle have cemented their place in Rebound Table Tennis history with a crushing 11-6 win over the Gold Coast on a wet Grand Final afternoon in a packed Ozbid Stadium in Newcastle.
Gold Coast fans hoping to turn the tables on Newcastle after last year's Grand Final disappointment were shaken from the outset as Newcastle raced to an early 4-1 lead on their first service set.
Gold Coast managed to somewhat stabilise on their serve to pull back to 4-6 at the break, and 5-6 after Newcastle's first service point of the second half.
However Newcastle then pushed into overdrive, winning the next four points to lead 10-5, and eventually run out winners 11-6.
The loss is rumoured to have caused further ructions in the already-unstable Gold Coast club, with rumours circulating that players were drinking and partying into the early hours of last night at their Newcastle motel.
Gold Coast players, and Coach Dwane Heard, also clearly defied 24-hour media and technology ban by posting comments on the ARTTSL website last night. More to come on that breaking story as details emerge.
Newcastle have now won consecutive Premierships, and have firmed their image as the model club of ARTTSL after just two years in First Division. Newcastle also won the ARTTSL Second Division Premiership on their first attempt in 2009.
The question now is can anyone stop Newcastle in 2012? Little is known of what form the competition will take next year, whether Wilkington Tuffy will stick with the current 20-team First Division line-up, whether he will seek to rationalise the competition and/or re-introduce the controversial Second Division, whether the mysterious HyperBall threat re-emerges, what of the rumours of a team named the Southern Bundy Crushers, and what will controversial figures Jimmy Spring and Angus and Patsy do next?!
And the big question: Is Bernard Elksteine really dead?
Thank you for your support and interest during ARTTSL Season 2011. Don’t forget to renew your club memberships for 2012.
ARTTSL Premiership 2011, Grand Final Result
Newcastle 11 d Gold Coast 6 at Newcastle
Gold Coast fans hoping to turn the tables on Newcastle after last year's Grand Final disappointment were shaken from the outset as Newcastle raced to an early 4-1 lead on their first service set.
Gold Coast managed to somewhat stabilise on their serve to pull back to 4-6 at the break, and 5-6 after Newcastle's first service point of the second half.
However Newcastle then pushed into overdrive, winning the next four points to lead 10-5, and eventually run out winners 11-6.
The loss is rumoured to have caused further ructions in the already-unstable Gold Coast club, with rumours circulating that players were drinking and partying into the early hours of last night at their Newcastle motel.
Gold Coast players, and Coach Dwane Heard, also clearly defied 24-hour media and technology ban by posting comments on the ARTTSL website last night. More to come on that breaking story as details emerge.
Newcastle have now won consecutive Premierships, and have firmed their image as the model club of ARTTSL after just two years in First Division. Newcastle also won the ARTTSL Second Division Premiership on their first attempt in 2009.
The question now is can anyone stop Newcastle in 2012? Little is known of what form the competition will take next year, whether Wilkington Tuffy will stick with the current 20-team First Division line-up, whether he will seek to rationalise the competition and/or re-introduce the controversial Second Division, whether the mysterious HyperBall threat re-emerges, what of the rumours of a team named the Southern Bundy Crushers, and what will controversial figures Jimmy Spring and Angus and Patsy do next?!
And the big question: Is Bernard Elksteine really dead?
Thank you for your support and interest during ARTTSL Season 2011. Don’t forget to renew your club memberships for 2012.
ARTTSL Premiership 2011, Grand Final Result
Newcastle 11 d Gold Coast 6 at Newcastle
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