Disgraced Steve Smith Defects to Rebound Table Tennis

Bernard Elksteine has pulled off the biggest sporting coup since Jarryd Hayne took on the NFL, signing former Australian Cricket Captain Steve Smith on a lucrative 12 month contract for his new Rebound Table Tennis venture.

The deal was reportedly done by phone as Smith flew back to Australia from South Africa. Details such as which city or club Smith would play in were left open to determination as the competition quickly evolves.

The shock move was quickly justified by Elksteine, who noted Smith was one of the greatest exponents of bat and ball. “His unique skill with a bat - second on only to Don Bradman - quick footwork, and feel for spin through his leggie bowling action, I expect he’ll adapt quickly. It’s better for him than sitting at the pub for a year while he's banned from cricket”.

On arrival at Sydney Airport, Smith fronted the media, shedding tears of relief at the lifeline offered by Elksteine, who offered a supportive hand on Smith’s shoulder.  It was Elksteine's first official appearance on television in 8 years, although he kept his face out of the shot.

A tearful Smith expressed his relief, saying “I won’t let anyone down again. I’ll work hard in a year of Rebound Table Tennis.  I want kids to learn you don't have to wait around and put up with crap when you've made a mess.  Get out and move on. This is a good lesson to others then I hope I can be a force to change”.

Asked if he was concerned about the impact of Smith on sponsors, Elksteine replied "My competition thrives on that sort of stuff.  People expect it.  And we give people a chance at redemption.  I had to fake my own death yet here I am".

New-Age Rebound Table Tennis Balls "Tamper-Proof" - Elksteine

In the wake of the crisis enveloping the Australian Cricket Team, Bernard Elksteine has released a statement claiming that the unique, high-tensile Rebound Table Tennis balls being developed for his new competition, will be "entirely tamper-proof".


The statement claims "The graphite resin-coated balls have been tested at upwards of 200km/h, at an impact force of over 200 Newton Kilotonnes per square millimetre".


"More importantly, the balls will be resistant to the ball tampering rife in all levels of Table Tennis, from garage flat-table play to fully professional Rebound Table Tennis...  Common methods such as discretely pushing a dimple into the ball prior to service will be impossible for the human hand".


The statement goes on to note the balls will be tracked by localised radar and lidar, making it impossible for players to substitute the ball for one in a lesser condition.  Elksteine claims the new technology can track a ball all the way into a player's underwear. 


It was noted the other common technique of spitting on the ball would have less impact due to the precise machine grinding of the balls making 99% of liquid slide right off.  This was also noted to be beneficial to home amateur play as when the family dog takes off with the ball, it will be less likely to be crushed and less covered in slobber on retrieval.


Elksteine added to the end of the statement, "We're proud to be pushing the sport to the next level.  Too many of these problems have just been overlooked for so long.  You can't break my balls.  I hope everyone embraces them going forward".


The statement adds to speculation about the nature of the high-power game Elksteine appears to be developing behind closed doors at Milson's Point, where all of the equipment seized in the raid two weeks ago has been released following a court order that the raid was illegal.

Elksteine’s promo song leaked by U2 bassist

Bernard Elksteine continues to apparently build plans for a new Rebound Table Tennis League, having penned a new song - Volcano - and teaming up with Irish rockers U2 to record it.

The track however has been leaked online “accidentally” by U2 bassist, Adam Clayton. Clayton claimed he uploaded it to his private YouTube account to share with his daughter to “Show her how much Daddy has improved”. Listen to the full track at the link below.

The unusually Clayton-heavy track is believed to reflect the energetic nature of Elksteine’s new tournament, driven by high caliber table tennis equipment seized at a recent Milson’s Point raid.

Director and Rebound Table Tennis fan “The Big” Peter Jackson has analysed the song and noted a number of apparent references to Elksteine’s ex-wife Patricia’s new husband, Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam. Known to have an explosive temper, Elksteine often referred to the younger Angus as just a “tourist” in Maroochydore, the cradle of modern Rebound Table Tennis, hence lines like “Do you live here or is this a vacation” and “Something in you wants to blow”.

Jackson exclaimed “Blow... Blowingpam. All the anger of 7 years in exile is in there. The whole song’s a dig at his wife’s new fella”.

U2 lead singer Bono simply commented, “Adam’s fired... again”.

Asked why he chose to work with U2, Elksteine noted that Tina Turner wasn’t available. He also noted Clayton was a big fan of Rebound Table Tennis and was keen to see the sport grow in his homeland. “The Irish love bouncing anything off walls, especially over a Guinness”, Clayton commented from his local pub.

https://youtu.be/2LRKlw12GF4

“You can’t arrest a dead man”. Elksteine released by court order

Bernard Elksteine has been released from custody, just 36 hours after being arrested Friday night in a raid on an alleged illegal Rebound Table Tennis dojang.

Elksteine’s legal team successfully argued that as he is legally recorded as dead, he cannot be identified, a key step in registering a temporary prisoner. The Judge stated she had no choice but to release the prisoner immediately.

It has also transpired that while he was under arrest during Saturday, a bidder secured purchase of a Kirrillli apartment for Elksteine to return to upon release. The entrepreneur was able to effect the deal through an offshore company in an undisclosed country, where he is legally alive.

There are reports socialite Esmeralda Chocolatine was seen inspecting the apartment prior to auction, though these remain unsubstantiated.

More to come.

'Bernard Elksteine' Arrested At Milsons Point

The man alleged to be the living Bernard Elksteine has been arrested in a dramatic raid by the Police and the Tax Office at Milsons Point.


Mounting credible allegations that Elksteine is alive and setting up operations at the upper end of the Harbour Bridge finally sparked officers into action early Friday evening.


A raid of the abandoned Government office under the bridge revealed an alleged industrial scale Rebound Table Tennis operation. 

Seized tables are loaded onto a truck

Police seized scores of industrial Table Tennis tables, and various caches of high power Table Tennis bats, some capable of returning a ball at up to 200km/h.  Several thousand reinforced Table Tennis balls were also seized, some clearly mangled by high force activity.

The alleged Elksteine was arrested on suspicion of violating North Sydney Council regulations relating to Rebound Table Tennis dojangs, as well as related charges in possessing bats that are classified as a weapon, and striking metallic Table Tennis tables that had sharp, poorly finished edges, despite being striking in appearance.

Elksteine's famed golden bats

Tax Officials also seized several items on the basis of Elksteine's large tax debt owing in Australia, including four golden Table Tennis bats, and a ball of steel, all resembling a gift given to the former Rebound Table Tennis supremo from socialite Esmerelda Chocolatine in 2009, as a favour for "being a remarkable man", driving the short-lived success of the Australasian Rebound Table Tennis Super League (ARTTSL).

Several individuals, described as shady characters, thugs, retired professional Rebound Table Tennis players, and Film Director turned former South New Zealand owner and mascot "The Big" Peter Jackson, were allowed to leave the scene after Police took their details.  They may be recalled for questioning in relation to a potential charge of Aiding an Illegal Rebound Table Tennis Dojang.

A similar table to those seized.
Reboundability subject to testing.

One of the men, who agreed to be interviewed, stated the charges were encroaching upon their civil liberties, saying that they were working on a start-up business and needed all the Table Tennis gear to "stay chilled during 19 hour work days". 


The man claimed they were playing full table Table Tennis, not Rebound Table Tennis, the latter having been associated with questionable social activity.  However, Police said the 'Rebound' technicality was to be investigated in more detail, including forensic inspection of the seized tables to see if they have been kept in the flat or half-upright position. When pressed on the nature of the startup business, the man said "Not sure, we just kept playing table tennis".

High calibre table tennis bats, able
to hit a ball at up to 200km/h, are
restricted in most western countries.

A spokeswoman for ARTTSL CEO Wilkington Tuffy said the raid produced clear evidence that Elksteine, as Tuffy earlier stated he'd feared, was preparing to launch a new form of Rebound Table Tennis, seemingly of the high power, high physical contact variety made infamous in parts of South America and west Africa.  It is possible Elksteine has been researching these more extreme forms of the game during his long hiatus.



Some of thousands of resin-reinforced
Table Tennis balls seized.

Thousands of documents were also seized by Tax Officials in the raid.

Tuffy Softens on the Bern

ARTTSL CEO Wilkington Tuffy has gone public, extending an olive branch to Bernard Elksteine, amid mounting evidence that he is alive and plotting his comeback in Sydney.

Tuffy currently administers a competition that has been in mothballs for 7 years. “It’s a part time job at the moment. The offices, the dojangs, the equipment, we’ve had to let it all go or put it in storage. It’s a sad state of affairs”.

Asked how this came about, Tuffy laid blame squarely at the feet of ‘widow’ Patricia Elksteine, who he says “doesn’t care much for ‘the ping and the pong’”, as he says she calls it. “She’s more interested in socialising and cooking Bernie’s fortune. Half my job is selling assets to pay her more dividends that she blows in Paris”.

Asked what he’d like to say to Bernard Elksteine if he was out there listening, Tuffy was emphatic,

“Call me Bernie. No need to explain anything. We can do great things again. Bring the sport back from the dead while we can”.

Tuffy expressed concerns for Elksteine’s mental well-being and fears his fierce competitiveness will drive him to generate more unnecessary fragmentation of competition in the sport.

Elksteine Sydney Sightings Not So Flaky

Rumours that former Rebound Table Tennis Supremo Bernard Elksteine is alive are intensifying after a "cluster of unconnected sightings" in the Milson's Point area of Sydney.

Multiple individuals, including a cyclist, a public servant from a nearby office, and a homeless Elvis Presley impersonator, have reported seeing a man of Elksteine's description meeting a variety of individuals in the exclusive Flaky Tart Bakery in Milson's Point.

All witnesses have similarly describe an aged, though much trimmer and healthier Elksteine, accompanied by individuals who appear to make some effort to be discrete - in many cases exiting and boarding a taxi, which lingers outside while ever they are in attendance.

Some have further claimed that Elksteine himself walks frequently up and down Ennis Road, between The Flaky Tart and an apparently derelict ex-Government office built under the road platform north of the Harbour Bridge pylon.  He has also been reportedly seen jogging across the Harbour Bridge, in one case allegedly shoulder-barging anyone who asked if he was Elksteine.

Local dog walking enthusiast Harold Ball claims he saw a shipment of table tennis tables being delivered to the site one evening, suggesting Elksteine is building a dojang in the building.  This prompted North Sydney Council to caution in a published statement that area is not zoned to permit Table Tennis dojangs, due to their past tendency to attract criminals and "generally aggressive individuals".

Mr Ball went on to say, "I suppose he wants to bring the sport to Sydney and try to get back on top.  Maroochydore was too remote.  But I don't know why he's just walking around here, unless he wants to be found".

Having reportedly died almost 8 years ago in his Maroochydore home - which led to an outpouring of grief and chicken - many have never let go of the notion that Elksteine's death, reportedly of a heart attack, was too coincidental with a need to escape the media heat following the near-collapse of his Australasian Rebound Table Tennis Super League (ARTTSL).

Rumours reached fevour pitch after it was revealed the body in Elksteine's grave was not Elksteine (and not Elvis).

Elksteine's ARTTSL competition remains solvent under the leadership of CEO Wilkington Tuffy, and ownership of Elksteine widow Patricia, along with her flamboyant partner, Angus Featherlite-Blowingpam.  While competition has been suspended since Newcastle won its second Premiership in 2011, Elksteine left a lasting legacy of sport and innuendo unrivalled by any modern franchise, the most recent episode being the dramatic 2017 kidnapping of Bernie Ecclestone, mistaken for Elksteine, by Tara Brown.

Fans are now asking, is Bernard Elksteine finally back?

More to come...