Elksteine Funeral Thursday

The funeral for late ARTTSL President Bernard Elksteine has been booked for 1pm this Thursday, after the Coroner released the body, having found no evidence of foul play.

However many, including ARTTSL officials and Elksteine family members, have questioned the results of the autopsy and continue to believe foul play was involved.

Widow Paticia Elksteine says she has "unanswered questions" after key details she revealed to the police, including their side gate being found wide open after the discovery of the body in Elksteine's office at the back of the home, have not been addressed in the final report on the investigation.

"I don't know where to go to from here right now" said Mrs Elksteine outside the couple's Maroochydore home, "but we've decided to go ahead with the funeral. I need to lay my husband to rest, but I will continue to pursue this. I just don't believe Bernie died of a heart attack. I'll keep fighting this in the courts".

The service will take place at 1pm on Thursday at St Brians Cathedral, Maroochydore. Nineties shock jock mistress Esmerelda Chocolatine will perform a specially-written number, "You're Still My Big Orange Ball", at the service.

Other celebrity guests expected are Illawarra's Number 1 fan Wendell Sailer, and South and North New Zealand Mascots The Big Pippee and the Big Peter Jackson, who have called an unexpected truce in their ongoing war of words as a sign of respect for Elksteine.

In other news, former ARTTSL Treasurer Wilkington Tuffy has been confirmed as the new ARTTSL President, and will formally take over the reigns from the Board as of next week. Tuffy has promised to help in whatever way he can in efforts to discover the "truth" behind Elksteine's death.

Tuffy is widely expected to take a more stabilising and less reformist approach to management, and has even been tipped to be willing to consider negotiating with Hyperball Management to bring an end to the Rebound Table Tennis war, with some sort of compromise deal to unite the two organisations. However Tuffy would likely have a tough job convincing many senior officials to join him in negotiations, many see the Rebound Table Tennis War as one solely of attrition in which one or the other organisation will fall in the end.